If Not Now, When?

I just got home from Boston, and for the first time in days, everything feels quiet.

I’m sitting in my backyard. It’s not quite as hot today, and there’s a little breeze moving through the trees. The wind chimes are making those soft, beautiful sounds, and I can hear the leaves rustling and dancing above me. It’s peaceful out here, the kind of quiet that finally gives your mind a chance to catch up with everything your heart has been feeling.

And all I can think about is Izzy.

The last few days moving her into college were a lot harder emotionally than I expected. She was excited, but she was also overwhelmed. There were moments when she really struggled, and as her mom, it was incredibly hard to watch. But then I started noticing something. She would get emotional, take some time, and somehow pick herself back up. She went to the activities. She made an effort to meet new people. She kept trying, even when it wasn’t easy.

One little journey in photos: from home, to the airport, to Boston, and finally to her dorm. We arrived together, but this next part is hers.

In between all of that, we worked on her room together. We unpacked boxes, moved furniture around, decorated, organized, and tried to turn this unfamiliar little dorm room into a place that felt like her. There was something comforting about watching it slowly come together. By the time we were finished, it wasn’t just a dorm room anymore. It had her things, her personality, and little pieces of home everywhere.

Maybe I needed that as much as she did.

Before & after. Somehow we fit a whole lot of Izzy into one little dorm room. 😂

Before I left, I also made her a little jar filled with messages for the days when I won’t be there to say the words myself. There are notes for tough days, reminders of who she is, words from Mom, words I know Craig would want her to hear, little confidence boosts, music reminders, and even a few “redeem this” coupons. I know I can’t fix every hard day anymore and I shouldn’t, but I can still leave her little reminders that she is loved, that she is capable, and that she is never really doing this alone.

And now, sitting here in my backyard listening to the leaves move in the wind and the soft sound of the wind chimes, I realize....I’ve been watching her do exactly this for 18 years.

Izzy has been fighting since before she was born. When I was five months pregnant, we already knew there were serious problems. Before she was born, she ingested meconium, which caused serious problems with her lungs. She was already fighting before I ever got to hold her. Then came the heart surgeries, the lung issues, the dangerously low oxygen, and so many other medical and physical challenges over the years. Life has asked an incredible amount of this girl, and somehow she has always found a way to keep going. But college felt different.

Maybe because this time, I had to let her do the hard part herself.

There was a moment in Boston when she was struggling emotionally, and every mom instinct in me wanted to pack everything we had just unpacked, put it back in the car, and take her home. I wondered if this was too much. Was she ready? Was Boston too far away?

I felt like I was dropping Dory into a giant ocean full of sea creatures and saying, “Okay…go figure it out.” 😂 And then I thought: if not now, when? She needs to make mistakes. She needs to learn. She needs to figure out when to ask for help and when she can solve something herself. She needs to adapt. Most importantly, she needs the opportunity to discover just how capable she really is. And while I was still there, I started seeing it happen right in front of me.

She set up her own TV and Alexa. She started figuring out her room and her new routine. She was already scheduling tutors before classes even started. She went to activities even when she was nervous. She made an effort to meet people. These may seem like ordinary things for an 18-year-old. But when I think about everything it took for Izzy to get to this moment, none of it feels ordinary to me.

People have asked me, “How are you doing?”

Well…no one warned me this part would be so hard.

For 18 years, so much of my job has been protecting her, advocating for her, helping her through the next challenge and making sure she was okay. Now, part of loving her is doing something that feels completely unnatural... stepping back.

Sitting here in my backyard without her, listening to the wind chimes and the leaves dancing above me, I miss her, we miss her..

But I’m also incredibly proud.|

I have never questioned whether Izzy is a fighter. I’ve had 18 years of proof. Now I have to trust that fighter. I have to give her the space to make mistakes, learn, grow, and discover for herself just how much she can do.

My little Dory is in a very big ocean now.#findingNemo

And I KNOW she’s going to find her way.